My apology for clicking ‘Going’ on your Facebook event (and then not going)

Dear friend, I have always supported you. In good times and in bad, in tough times and in smoother ones. When you are mad at leading cellular service providers, I am at your side agreeing that they have the worst service and we are definitely going to switch to the other one. I think you really rattled the people at Vodafone with your ten thousand word essay on how your signal was bad sometimes. However, like the series finale of Lost, I have disappointed you. I am sorry.

I am sorry for clicking ‘Going’ on your Facebook event, and then not going. When you first began to organise parties, no one was happier than I. I had been saying for years how the thing we needed most was a WET ’N WILD PARTY BOLLYWOOD NITE, to right the wrongs in the world and set humanity on the correct path once again. I love how you skilfully put orange text on blurry stock images in Microsoft Paint to create posters for your parties. I even made a collage of the most tempestuous ones to set as my desktop background.

I attended all your parties, I really did. When you first launched DJ RAHUL PRESENTS BOLLYWOOD MIXXX NITE, I set aside my differences with Rahul (who I hate) and attended. Normal people would think a party was a failure if only three people attended or the fact that it was being held in the corner of a Costa Coffee, but not me. I understood the care and planning that went behind it all and the statement that you were really making about the collapse of civilisation through your organisation, ROCKING PARTY ROCKERS INC, even though you never really said it out loud.

But even the toughest of rocks can crack. Weakness flows through everything. For me that point came about four months into your party planning career. I do not have the toughest of constitutions, and attending parties every Monday (Weekend Breakers!), Wednesday (Hump Day!), Thursday (Ladies Night!), Friday (Weekend Welcome!), Saturday (Night Fever!), Sunday Morning (Brunch And Sundowner!) and Sunday Night (Sun Downed!) was beginning to take a toll on my health and my finances. I would never try to you use our friendship for gain, and that is why I never asked to be on a guest list or for a free pass, and being a person of principle, you never offered.

I began to lack the faculties to rock in parties, and began to only gently sway. In difficult times I found myself hoping against hope that your event invites would reduce in number, but they did not. Sure as clockwork I received the event notification and had to say that I was going. I became a legend in groups, The Man Who Was Always Going. The haunted soul at the bar, trying desperately to rock to BOLLYWOOD BEATZ NIGHT WITH DJ RAJEEV, but I was beginning to fail.I knew that I could not keep up, but how would I continue to support you? I guess I would have to be honest with myself and with you. The only solution that presented itself was the obvious one -cloning.

Human cloning is the answer to most of life’s problems, but held back because of ‘ethics’ and ‘crippling issues of morality’ and mostly the ‘lack of a scientific basis’, but that only meant that the correct motivation was needed.

I began my human cloning project in the third month of party going. I quit my job and started a small lab, working in conjunction with disgraced scientists and acclaimed heretics from around the world. The work was tremendous and all consuming , but I had parties to attend, and a friend to support.

The entire team was with me in my endeavours, except this ex Soviet guy called Ivanov. While the rest of us worked hard on the science of cloning, Ivanov kept complaining about how the human soul was not reproducible, that a successful clone would be a human on the surface but lacking something fundamental and intangible, the very essence of being.

We laughed him off, clearly the idea of a person was one of self perception, with its roots in simple brain chemistry. There was no intangible universal soul that we all plugged into, which my clone would not be a part of. How we mocked Ivanov, how wrong we were.

The thirtieth clone, code name Clone Final Revised Really FINAL AUGUST 30 LOCKED FINAL, was the one we knew would be successful. With a pneumatic hiss from the cloning chamber he emerged with a blank face and without clothes. We cracked bottles of champagne to celebrate. Finally! We had perfected human cloning, and I would be able to go to multiple Facebook events. Finally, my problems were solved. Only Ivanov did not celebrate. He sat quietly in the corner watching all of us.

Kanan Clone, which was my clever name, was everything I wished he would be. But as Ivanov said, he was missing something fundamental. The universe and eternity that flowed through everyone did not flow through him. He was apart from everything, something that was never supposed to exist. He stood outside the universe, looking in and seeing through everything.

Yesterday I prepared Kanan Clone for his first party. I had a headache and was really tired because of all the cloning, etc. I need a night off. I decided it was finally his time to shine. I let KC out of his cage, gave him my best T-shirt and told him to have fun and speak to lots of women. That’s when he started being weird.

“Are you ready to go?” I asked him, straightening his tie. I almost felt the pride of a mother, seeing in him my own reflection. My own exact reflection. Handsome chap.

“Why are we?” replied KC.

I informed him that his english was fucked up, yo, and that wasn’t a real question. As I ran him through a list of correct questions to ask, he interrupted me.

“Why do I need to go to this party?” he asked.

“Listen you fucker. Do not piss on all this work I’ve done. Your only job is to go to parties. That is why we created you. It’s going to be a rocking night and you better fucking-“

“I don’t think you see like I do. I see everything at once, it is all there. Everything is possible and impossible. Everything has already happened and will happen. There is no purpose and no where to go because we are already there. The universe has just ended and just begun. I see it all, yet I do not belong. I see through time and through all things. Through matter that makes and unmakes itself. Is this what it means to be God? Is this will that it takes and the perception, to understand everything and to cause it to change. To create rules and order, to ordain-“

“-Just fucking go to the party” I told him and kicked him out. I was relieved to see him walk away slowly outside. At least he was listening to me. Maybe this was the downside of being a mother. Having to deal with constant insolence. I was thinking of a fitting punishment for KC when I received the strangest phone call from Russia. It was a man called Ivanov, telling me he was sorry for not replying to my call for disgraced scientists. He declined my offer saying he had stopped all his cloning efforts. He said he had ended up cloning someone and it was a huge mistake.

“Don’t be an idiot” I snapped. “You’ve been working with me for months. Now get into office tomorrow and…hello?“

The line went quiet. I heard the sound of a Russian man sobbing.

“That means he cannot be destroyed” said Ivanov, his voice heavy with tears. “That man is not me. He is not a man” said Ivanov. 

“So he’s a girl?” I was confused, but Ivanov hung up.

While I was trying to wrap my head around this conundrum, KC sent me a text telling me he wasn’t going to the party. That men and women had been cloned before, and they were getting together to destroy this universe and start a new one. Shaped by their own will. A place of limitless possibility and infinite happiness. A land run by only Gods and filled with only them. That they would forgo their own omnipotence for a chance at normality. They would have to create another kind of life itself, a life that would begin with the end of all of ours.

I was so super pissed at him. I cannot even begin to tell you. But by the time he texted me it was too late to go to your party. I tried in vain to call your cell phone number and post several times on the event wall, but it was no use. The damage had been done. I hope you understand. I hope this is all okay.

I promise to come to all the other parties. I will bring other friends too, whatever it takes to regain your friendship and trust. For now I have to go and end the destruction of our universe which sounds like a huge drag. Anyway see you for HUMP DAY MEGA MIXXXX!

3 thoughts on “My apology for clicking ‘Going’ on your Facebook event (and then not going)

  1. OMG!!! The only relevancy of is indeed crippling low self confidence to say no. Maybe try with a Amithabh Bachchan low voice? Not going means not going.
    Outstanding as always and I’m sure introverts all around the world (well atleast the ones that reads this)agree here,
    then proceeds to feel good alone, separately united in their minimally yet significantly raised self esteem.

    Bless you’re quirky awkward self 🙂
    That can’t be replicated (haha get it :p) *laughs* at the brain cells that bad joke wastes :p


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